Chapter Sixteen

This entry is part 17 of 22 in the series Free Book


After getting to bed so late, I was hoping to be able to sleep in, but was awakened by Elizabeth shaking my shoulder.

“My legs!  I can’t move my legs at all!”

“Maybe they’re just asleep,” I said, half asleep myself.

“No.  No.  It’s worse than it was before.  I can barely move them at all now.  Help me!”

I hated feeling so powerless, but helped her up into her wheelchair.

“Look! “ she cried  “My legs are now totally useless.  Even at their worst they had some strength, but now it’s worse than ever.  Did you bring that handkerchief back?”

“Honey, John said I couldn’t…”

“What kind of man is this guy?  He gives me a gift and takes it away.  Now I’m worse than I was.  I wish I had never even seen John.”  Elizabeth  sobbed bitterly.

I knelt in front of her and took her hand firmly.  “Don’t say that, sweetie.  Because of John you now know for sure it is possible to be healed.  He said if I solved the first three keys, you would be healed.  We must look forward to that time.”

She gathered her composure for a moment and asked,  “So, did you get the first one yet?”

“Not yet, but I’m getting closer.”

“Maybe you are and just maybe this is some cosmic joke and there is no answer.  Maybe we are nothing and going nowhere,” she said, starting to cry again.

I hugged her for a moment and then lifted her chin and looked deeply into her eyes. “I know there is an answer.  I will find it.”

Elizabeth turned her head away.  “So consciousness is not the answer?”


“So try nothing next time.  That will be as good as anything.   You’ve guessed everything else we could be.”

I was startled with her coldness. “I’ve never seen you so negative.”

“Negative? You don’t know negative,” she said bitterly.  “Call Doctor Kevorkian and I’ll show you negative!”

I felt a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach as she said that.  I felt like running out of her presence as far as I could.  It was as if it was not her who was talking, but some hateful being.  Nevertheless, I knew I had to override that feeling and show her all the love I could.

“You’ll get your legs back.  This is just a temporary thing,” I tried to assure her.  “We’ll take you to the doctor.  Maybe he can give you something.”

“The doctor never helps.  I’m staying right here.”

“I’ll call your mom and she can come over while I show some homes.”

“I’m not helpless.  Just go and I’ll take care of myself.” Elizabeth wheeled herself out of the bedroom toward the kitchen.

I called her mother anyway to keep an eye on her when I had to be out.  There was a certain amount of work I had to do to survive financially, and I spent all the time I could with Elizabeth, but nothing I could do or say seemed to help.  She was in the darkest spirits I had ever seen her in.  It was almost as if she were turning into another person.  Realizing she may not have much time left, I thought every spare moment about the newest hints and the first key.  I came up with a few ideas and thought I would share them with Wayne during our next breakfast.

When Sunday came, Elizabeth was still in a negative state and didn’t even want me to have breakfast with Wayne.  I assured her I needed someone to bounce ideas off of and of the importance of solving the keys, but she seemed to act as if I were wasting my time.   She was generally very supportive and this resistance did not seem like her.  I went to see Wayne despite her comments.

“I see we’re back to our regular eating place,” said Wayne.  “How was your week?”

“It was the best of times and the worst of times,” I said with a forced smile.

“I’ve had a few weeks like that,” he said.  “So have you decided that we are consciousness or have you come up with some even heavier thought?”

“I’ve concluded that the core of our being is not consciousness, but uses consciousness.  Consciousness is like a camera and our true self is like the one who takes the pictures.”

“So who or what is the one who takes the pictures?” Wayne asked.

“I’m not sure yet.  You know the philosopher Descartes tried to discover what there was in man that he could call real and he came up with the phrase I think, therefore, I am.”

“Yes,” Wayne agreed.  “If I remember right, the famous Latin phrase was cogito ergo sum.   Descartes, using the process of elimination, concluded that the only thing he knew for sure was that he was thinking, therefore he had to exist.  That was one of the few things I learned in college.  I think it’s interesting that both Descartes and God reduced our essence to the phrase I AM.  Maybe we just are and it’s a great mystery we will never know or understand.”

“Funny you should say that.  I’ve been studying the words of God to Moses and the phrase  I AM that I AM is a mistranslation.  The literal translation according to scholars is I am becoming that I am becoming.  Go tell the children of Israel that He who is becoming has sent you.  Taking this into consideration, it seems that the essence of God which may be our own essence also has something to do with the process of becoming.”

“So maybe Descartes should have said I think, therefore I am becoming.”

“That probably would have been more accurate,” I said,  “but I think there is some mystery behind all this that we just haven’t seen yet. We have an essence that is becoming, changing or evolving, but I don’t think I’ve found it yet.”

“I doubt if we ever will,” said Wayne.  “We just are.  Any more than that would be just about impossible for us to find out.”

“It can’t be impossible!” I said with greater volume and emotion than I had anticipated.

Wayne looked startled.  “Whatever you say, buddy.  You feel pretty strong about this quest of yours, don’t you?”

“I suppose.  I didn’t mean to startle you.  I kind of feel under a lot of pressure.  Elizabeth is quite a bit worse again, my finances for helping her are limited and my emotions are on edge.”

“I feel for you and her.  Want me to drop by some evening this week and see if I can cheer her up?”

“It might not hurt, but call first.  She’s been kind of withdrawn lately.  She acts like she doesn’t want to see anyone.”

“Sometimes it’s good to have company, even when you’re not in the mood.”

“I agree.  Now getting back to our main line of thought.” I said, leaning forward. “What do you think it is that is in us that is becoming?  It can’t just be called I AM.  There’s got to be a name for it.”

“If I didn’t know you better, I would say you’re becoming obsessed here with this idea.  Here we’re talking about a crisis with your wife and you switch the topic back to philosophy.  It seems kind of strange.”

“You’re right, it does seem strange, but I have a good reason for it.”  I paused for a moment to think of a good reason that would not be a lie.  “Elizabeth is very interested in my finding the answer.  I think it will lift her spirits if I can come up with something good.”

Wayne didn’t looked convinced. “That’s an odd way to lift someone’s spirits.”

I paused.  I really hated holding out on Wayne.  “We’ve been friends a long time,” I finally said.  “Could you just trust me on this?  It would mean a lot to me and possibly to Elizabeth.”

Wayne looked me in the eye.  “I’ve known you a long time.  I think there’s something you’re not telling me here, but if it’s important, I’ll just play along.”

“There is something I can’t tell you.  All I can tell you right now is that it is important that I find the answer to this question.”

“Now you’ve really got me curious.” Wayne leaned forward and lowered his voice.  “Come on.  You can tell me.  You tell me everything.”

“I’ll tell you as soon as I can, but just not now.”

Wayne leaned back. “OK.  I’ll let you off the hook for now, but I’ll expect the juicy details soon.  Why do I keep getting the feeling that you think you’ve had some vision or something?”

I tried to smile nonchalantly.  “Who knows?  Now I want you to wrack that brain of yours and tell me if you have any deeper thoughts on this subject.”

“Answer me this then.  Do you really think we are capable of getting the right answer?”

“You know I’ve never lied to you.  I will tell you this.  I happen to know that we are capable of getting the answer.”

“You think so,” Wayne said looking at me squarely.

“I told you I know so,” I said with emphasis.

“OK,” said Wayne.  “We’ll proceed on the assumption you are correct here and that we can really go where no man has gone before.  Perhaps a key here is God really said to Moses he is becoming rather than he just is.  Becoming implies action, movement, evolution, whereas I AM implies a static, unchangeable state.  Now all religions that I know of think that God is perfect and does not change, but I AM BECOMING implies a God who is changing and moving toward a higher state.  That means He isn’t perfect, because if He were, He wouldn’t have to evolve any further. Maybe humans are gods, as some teach, for the very reason that we are imperfect and that we are also in a constant state of change and evolution.  Maybe the perfection of God is just some hocus pocus passed down through the ages and is completely false.  Maybe God is trapped in this universe and is just trying to find his way home like the song says.”

A light  went off in my head. “Good Wayne!  I don’t know if you’re right, but at  least you’re leading us into new territory.  Now let’s assume that you’re on the right track about what God is.  If we are truly gods, then who or what would we be?”

“That’s a hard one.  Maybe we’re movement or action,” said Wayne.

“You know, that could be it.  Everything else that people think we are is just a vehicle or instrument that we use, but action or movement is not a vehicle.  You know, as scientists investigate the atomic world they find only motion, but have not found anything they consider solid.  When you think of it, everything is made of wavelengths in motion, therefore the answer may be motion.”

“That’s true.  Without motion on the atomic level there would be no life, or form, as we know it.”

I reached in my pocket for money to pay for my breakfast.  “I think we’re on the right track.  I feel it in my gut.  Thanks for your help Wayne.  Sorry to cut our breakfast short, but I’ve got to go.”  I stood up, ready to leave.

“Why do I get the feeling we’ll be talking about this again?” Wayne mused as we walked toward the cashier..

“You’re probably right, my friend.  You’re probably right.”
Copyright 1997 by J J Dewey

Chapter Seventeen

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