McCall Gathering 2000, Part 7
Dealing with Hurt Feelings
One of the keys to contacting the soul is to produce balance in all of our centers. Perhaps the most important key I can leave you with would be the key of honesty. The soul is 100% honest. Anything that comes from the spirit will be 100% honest as far as we are able to interpret it accurately. If anything said to us seems untrue it’s because of our own wayward desires causing us to look at things incorrectly. As we receive impressions from pure spirit it will always be 100% accurate. Because it is 100% centered in truth and does not see anything that is not true. The only way for us to establish communication through the soul is to be the same way.
Everything we say must be truth. That doesn’t mean you have to say everything you think. If you meet someone who is overweight you don’t need to tell them that. That’s just totally rude. You don’t need to insult them, but what you say to that person should be true. “You have a pretty face. You’re an intelligent person. You’re a very thoughtful person.” You can say lots of good things. You don’t need to pick on a negative thing just for the sake of being honest.
This is the way the Masters are. If you meet a Master everything he tells you will be 100% true but there are many things he knows that he will not tell you. Like it says in the Bible, “It is the glory of God to conceal a thing.” (Proverbs 25:2) God is always honest and everything that has the spirit of God will be into honesty but he’s not into revealing everything. In the writings given out by the Masters there are many things they do not say which is true but would be dangerous for us to have because we’re not ready for them yet.
It’s the same thing in your personal life. If you don’t feel like telling someone something about yourself, that is not dishonest, but it would be dishonest if you did tell them something about yourself that is not true.
Audience: If everything you say is true it’s important that we express feeling truthfully.
JJ: Right, that’s what I was getting to next. You can be dishonest without speaking. Let’s say Xavier hurts my feelings. He says, “Man, you’re a lot uglier than I thought you’d be. I thought you were a good looking guy!” (laughter) If that doesn’t hurt my feelings it’s no big deal. Maybe I’ve been told that so much it doesn’t bother me anymore. (laughter) But let’s suppose it really bothered me and I felt a grievance. I have a choice. I can pretend that it doesn’t bother me or I can go over to Xavier and give him a shove and say, “You son of a gun!” Or I can say, “Xavier, you kind of hurt my feelings when you said that.” Xavier, being the sensitive guy that he is replies, “Oh, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
If someone has his feelings hurt but pretends they aren’t hurt that is communicating something that is not true. You’re communicating something that isn’t true by giving the wrong impression. This is a form of dishonesty. Unfortunately in this age, in relationships we’re praised for doing this. The world thinks this is wonderful when someone hurts your feelings and you sweep it under the run and leave others thinking it’s fine. Let’s take Hillary Clinton. There are all these affairs going on and suppose she says, “That’s fine. It doesn’t bother me a bit.” I’ve heard rumors that there are dishes being thrown at the White House. But she’s pretending that everything is fine. In a situation like that something has to come out.
A person has to tell another when his feelings are hurt. He has to communicate honesty what those feelings are so they can be dealt with. When a person covers up those feelings and is deceptive about them it creates one of those layers or clouds between him and the soul. So we have this cloud of deceptive communication of feelings or words. Most of the layers between you and the soul are caused by some type of deception. We have to remove all the deception.
So if you’re in a relationship and the other person hurts your feelings on a regular basis and you want to get closer to soul contact, you need to approach the person and communicate how what they’re doing is making you feel. This is especially important if you’re in a romantic relationship because a large percentage of the emotional hurt that comes into your life will be through a romantic relationship.
You’re escaping a lot if you’re content being single. This is why many people on the spiritual path remain single. Their soul may have guided them into this place where they can keep the clouds away and remain completely honest as they’re pursuing their spiritual quest in this life. They may come back in another life and leave the spiritual life behind and go into love/hate relationships for awhile. Eventually all must learn to master the intimate relationship on the road to liberation and unity.
Audience: You have released your energy but that continues on their part.
JJ: Sometimes. It depends on how they react. If they don’t feel any responsibility involved, what we need to realize that in a relationship, a romantic relationship especially, you’re both responsible to a degree. Oftentimes the things that come up are very silly. There have been times that Artie has hurt my feelings then it dawns on me that it was such a silly thing and she didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. It’s such a dumb thing that I’m not even going to tell you what it is. (laughter)
Then I think I should practice what I preach and tell her even if she laughs at me. It’s such a silly thing to be offended about. Mentally I’m not offended at all but my solar plexus has a grievance. So I’ll say, “Artie this may sound silly but this is how I feel.” Sometimes she’ll do that to me too.
You need to get these feelings out. Get them out, no matter how ridiculous it may feel – for remember the feeling nature is not logical. This is the biggest thing that keeps us from the soul. One may think, “This is so silly I’ll ignore it. I’m a disciple and shouldn’t let it bother me. I can’t be feeling something this low, this silly. I can’t be driven away from the spirit by silly little things like this.” You’re made to feel like you’re being ridiculous by feeling this way so you tend to sweep it under the rug. But, no matter how ridiculous, you need to face that feeling and honestly communicate because it won’t go away any other way.
Audience: There’s something on my mind I need to clarify and it will probably reveal my lack of enlightenment. I’m thinking about my relationship with my children and how sometimes I say things out of anger that really aren’t true. But I say them and I hurt them. You said everything you say needs to be honest.
JJ: Kids are really good at picking that up. They’re watching and they’re learning from us how to communicate and behave. So anything you tell a kid that isn’t true, they’re going to pick that up. All of us need to make sure when dealing with children especially that everything we tell them is 100% true.
Audience: But sometimes those emotions speak.
JJ: Right. Kids can be very frustrating.
Audience: They know how to push buttons.
JJ: They do. What we need to do when a kid pushes our buttons is to sit the kid down and say, “Look, when you did this it made me feel like a bad mother” or whatever. Tell that kid how you feel and you may be surprised that he’ll understand how you feel when you explain it. He also understands how you might say things that aren’t true when you’re angry and in the heat of the moment. He’s also picking up that this is the way the world is so you’re teaching him a pattern.
Every mother in the universe has the same lesson to learn so you’re not alone. It’s part of evolution.
Audience: Why doesn’t it affect the men the same way?
JJ: A mother has a totally different relationship with her children than the guy does. Kids don’t usually bond strongly with their father until they’re about 10 or 12. I remember how I felt when I was a little kid. One thing I noticed as a kid was that adults didn’t understand how kids think. I made a covenant with myself and said, “When I grow up I’m not going to forget how I felt when I was a little kid.” Have you felt the same way?
Audience: I thought, “I’m going to remember all the bad things so I don’t do them.” I can’t remember anything really good. But you’re looking all these things. When you’re looking at a man and a woman and how they operate with a child, it is different.
JJ: I remember how different I felt as a child with my mom and dad. Both of them drank too much and left us home alone a lot. By most standards, they weren’t very good parents but when I was a little boy I still loved them a lot and I felt extremely protective of my mom. I worried about my mom but for some reason I didn’t worry at all about my dad. My dad could take care of himself but my world would end if anything happened to my mom. It’s amazing when I look back and see that most children feel this strong passion for their mother that they just don’t feel for their dad. They play different roles.
The feminine energy is nurturing. The child picks up that nurturing energy and feels a tremendous bond. Even though my mom wasn’t the best mom on the earth when I was young, she’s totally changed her life and is as sweet as can be. She wasn’t what we’d call the ideal mom when I was young but nevertheless I felt this tremendous bond with her.
Audience: You said you made this pact with yourself that you would remember how to tell if a child was being misunderstood. Did it work?
JJ: Yes, I think so. I think I remember clearly and when I talk to a small child I think I communicate okay with him. I think it does help a lot to remember how you felt as a child. One thing I noticed as a child was that no one seemed to understand how we kids felt about stuff. One thing I remember very clearly was how adults would talk down to me like I was an unthinking entity. When my dad talked to his friends he had a certain tone of voice then he talked to me in a different tone of voice. I wanted him to talk to me like I was a friend. I remember when I was helping him paint his car and he turned around and asked me to hand him some tool. He used his normal tone of voice and that was one of the happiest moments of my life as a little kid. Then I realized he was talking to the guy behind me and I was disappointed. That was the first time my dad talked to me like I was on his level then it turned out he was talking to the other guy. I remember thinking that when I talk to children I’ll talk to them like they’re intelligent human beings.
I think that’s important to keep in mind when talking to our children. They still need the discipline and need you to be their parent. That’s one place where authority is really essential. You’re the boss but talk to them like they’re intelligent beings. When they hurt your feelings, tell them.
Audience: I’m able to do that, it’s just the consistency of it. I’m not always able to do it. I can see the harm that I do when I don’t handle situations that way that I should.
JJ: It all comes down to good old fashioned self control. You need to stop yourself. It comes to the word ‘attention’. You have to keep attention on the part of you that you want to change. You need to catch yourself and keep catching yourself. If you don’t put attention on it you won’t catch yourself. You can only keep your attention on so many things so you might need to take if off something else for awhile. You need to hone focus down to maybe the three most important things in your life and put attention on them.
Audience: Maybe she looses her temper because she isn’t honest enough.
JJ: That’s a good point. If you find another method that works, another alternative to getting mad, that takes the pressure off.
Audience: I was in an abusive relationship for 15 years and I took a lot of my upset feelings out on my kids. After I became aware of what I was doing, as I was getting out of the relationship and going through counseling, I set them down and told them what I had done was unacceptable. It was abuse. I told them, “I was being abusive and that’s not right. I’m sorry.” I gave them specific instances of things that I had done. They turned around and told me of other things that I hadn’t been aware of. That changed me greatly.
Audience: My children are aware of how human I am. I’ve been there.
Audience: Going back to the situation where Artie did something really silly that you don’t want to share. . . are you saying you shouldn’t turn around and examine yourself and why that silly little thing bothers you?
JJ: Yes I do, I examine it. You examine why things affect you the way you do and lead your life in such a way that you can direct the energy so it won’t happen again. The solar plexus energy does not have a lot of thinking power. It’s very simple. It doesn’t synchronize with your mind. Your mind may be saying you shouldn’t be hurt by this solar plexus energy because it’s like a computer program. It may run hurt feelings on you when you’re thinking they shouldn’t hurt. When you analyze the situation and change the outward circumstances you think, “What caused my solar plexus to react this way? What caused my feelings to react like this?” Then you use your mind to change the circumstances so that hurt doesn’t occur again.
Maybe Artie said something she didn’t mean and I communicate with her. She says she really didn’t mean it that way. Now that I know that she means it differently, the next time she says it, it won’t hurt my feelings anymore because my solar plexus understands that she really didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. When the honest communication comes out you have more input into the computer program that controls your solar plexus. The computer program says XYZ does not mean hurt feelings so now your feelings aren’t hurt if XYZ happens. You’re reprogramming your solar plexus. It’s not highly intelligent. When you’re working on your computer and the system crashes you think, “Well that’s not very intelligent. Why is this crashing?” You don’t have a good reason for it but maybe with a little bit of thinking you’ll find what made it crash then be able to avoid that in the future. You don’t do that thing again and it doesn’t crash. That’s the way the solar plexus is. It’s like a computer program and you eventually learn how it works. By directing the energies through the mind you prevent the crashes.
If a person hurts you too much you get that person out of your life so they can’t hurt you anymore. You remove the things in your life that cause intolerable grief to your solar plexus.
Audience: Somebody who you’re in a relationship with hurts you or upsets you and it’s something small. You communicate that to the person and they handle it well. They don’t get upset but say, “Okay I see you have a point there and I’ll accept my share of responsibility for that.” But then it doesn’t change.
JJ: The person doesn’t change?
Audience: Yeah, the same hurt comes up again and again. The person obviously doesn’t feel that they’re continuing the same mistake or they wouldn’t continue with it.
JJ: You need to keep communicating. If you reach an impasse you’ll need to work out a way to handle it so it doesn’t hurt you each time or else you need to move on to a new relationship if there’s no progress at all.
Audience: So you would literally kick someone out of your life?
JJ: If you reach a point where the other person is not open to communication and there is no hope of progress then it may be time to dissolve the relationship. You must consider the whole situation, including your children, and seek guidance from your soul.
First posted July 1, 2004. The Gathering took place June, 2000.
Copyright by J J Dewey
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