Nov 29, 2016
Thoughts From the Past
I hope the group enjoys the thoughts I post every day. I appreciate the likes, loves and shares you give. Most of the quotes lately are new and not found in my writings.
This isn’t the first time I’ve attempted to give out provocative original thoughts. When I was in college I started putting some humorous words on the door to my room in the dorm I was staying in. I did this for a few days and then missed one day and pretty soon students were knocking on my door complaining that I had not posted anything and demanded I continued.
Well, I was glad they liked my stuff so I obliged. It always gave me a charge when I heard someone laughing on the other side of my door.
I saved some of the thoughts and decided to share a few with you. Here is the first installment. It is a book and each day I put a new chapter title on my door
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Chapters from the great new book that rips the lid right off of Hell, written in Hell entitled: TO HELL AND NOT BACK – written by THE SINNER.
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Chapter One: Watch that first step after you die… it’s a long one.
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Chapter Two: He that drinks and drives and dies shall not recognize hell… at first.
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Chapter Three: Hell is when the alarm goes off.
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Chapter Four: Eat, drink and be merry for if tomorrow ye die your belly shall be full, your thirst quenched and ye shall go to hell happy.
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Chapter Five: He that raises hell raises nothing new.
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Chapter Six: Run for the heavenly hills. There’s a population explosion in hell.
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Chapter Seven: One good thing about hell, there’s a lot of beautiful women down here.
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Chapter Eight: Come to hell and see such historic men as Hitler, Stalin, Judas, etc.
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Chapter Nine: I sure wish someone would throw us a rope.
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Chapter Ten: Ain’t nothing to drink down here but warm coke.
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Chapter Eleven: Hell’s a nice place to visit, but you wouldn’t want to live there.
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Chapter Twelve: Hell’s not big enough for both of us. That’s why it’s gonna be hell.
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Chapter Thirteen: never on Sunday, not even in hell.
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Chapter Fourteen: it’s going to be a long hot summer.
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Chapter Fifteen: Sure wish we had an Indian down here who knew a rain dance.
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Chapter Sixteen: Sure wish lions and tigers went to heaven.
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Chapter Seventeen: Half the people went to hell because of a woman… that’s what the other half is.
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Chapter Eighteen: I can’t wait till Farrah Fawcett Majors dies. (If written today I might have used Katy Perry or Rihanna)
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Chapter Nineteen: If Farrah goes to heaven I’ll repent!
MORE THOUGHTS FROM THE PAST, Part 2
Here’s some more of my first attempt at making memorable quotes posted on my door in my college dorm, but was an attempt of a humorous nature. I believe the year I did this was 1964.
Nov 30, 2016
CLASSIFIED ADS FROM THE SINNER’S SCRAPBOOK
The FORGET PILL made especially for sinners. It erases the memory of the past twenty four hours. $4.99 a bottle.
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Just on the market! NEW DISCOVERY!!! THE RELIGIOUS PILL.
Swallow it Saturday night and you’re a Saint Sunday. Wears off in 24 hrs. Not a sleeping pill. $9.99 for a bottle of 50.
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Join the SINNERS ANONYMOUS. Find out that you are not the only one. Call out hot line: ST1-268-645
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Come ye – Come ye and join the hottest new church around:
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“THE BULL ELK STOMPIN’, ROAR’N, YELL’N, UNITED GOODY GOODY ASSEMBLY CHURCH.
EVERY MEMBER GOES TO BULL ELK HEAVEN. Prerequisite: Money.
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Come one and all to the big Pre-dinner revival of Feb. 30. Work up an appetite by:
1.. Rolling on the floor.
- Screaming.
- Contacting spirits. (Liquid form acceptable.)
- Drowning your enemies (and friends).
- BLOWING YOUR MIND.
- Speak in tongues (Pig Latin).
There will be a pre function of strong drink to assure results.
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Get your spring cleaning done now! Come get rid of those nasty little sins you’ve committed. $1.00 per dunking. That’s right just one dollar. Special offer just three days only. Money back guarantee on those that drown.
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Come get healed by Big Chief IWOGAHMMHAMIER medicine man. Payment in buttons, beads and scalps accepted.
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Sins for sale! In Spring cleaning I found a mess of old sins I need to get rid of. Varied assortment. Cheap. Call 335-4455.
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THE SIN GAME. The most economical game ever put on the market.
The reason: The kit includes the instructions only – You do the rest!!
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JUST OUT OF THE LAB!!! THE SIN PILL! Now you can sin and remain virtuous. Here’s how it works! You take the pill at night, after which you can sin all you want. That’s right: Sin Sin Sin. The best part is you wake up the next morning and find out it was all a dream. $5.00 a pill. While they last.
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What has three antennae, 71 eyes, 100 teeth, scales, is harry, funny looking, three nostrils, weighs five pounds, and is climbing up your back??? (Especially on Saturday night).
ANSWER: The Sin Bug.
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BEWARE”’ Of the Sin Bug. Once it bits you’re hooked.
SOLUTION: Send $9.95 in cash check or money order for a pint SIN BUG SPRAY. Kills sin bugs on contact or half your money back. You’ll need it tonight.
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COME YE AND HAVE YOUR SINS FORGIVEN! Bargains! Prices slashed! Never before so low! Crazy Days!
RATES:
White lies 25 cents each
Bigger lies 25 – 75 cents each
Stealing 25 cents – $10.00 (Or if you prefer 10% of what you stole)
Coveting beautiful girls … 10 cents per girl. (Adds up fast)
Murder $25.00 each (Rates on mother in laws.)
Others: 10 cents – $100.00 (Depending on the sin)
CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN!
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REPENT BEFORE JULY 12, 2030 — That is the end. Make a note to repent July 11, 2030.
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REPENT!!! Be prepared. Only 24,416 repenting days before the end.
Dec 1, 2016
NEW SCRIPTURES FROM A WISE GUY
This is the last installment of my thoughts I posted on my door back in my college days.
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And in that day when you drop and anvil on your toe, take no heed what ye shall speak, for the words will be freely given unto you.
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He that hath two navels is born again.
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In the beginning there was darkness and Farrah Fawcett Majors was not yet wrought upon the face of the Earth.
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Whoever reads this and does not immediately repent shall have a curse wrought on his left foot at midnight.
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What is smaller than any hole in the world?
ANSWER: The Sinner.
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And in the last days there shall be tests and rumors of tests, and students shall be found studying in divers places.
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If hell is a state of mind; then there’s a good chance that’s where we are.
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He who is innocent of all sin shall be swooped up into heaven. Observation: We are all here.
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Sign on door: Knock and it shall be opened unto you (If the occupants are in).
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Another sign on door: If ye knock, then walk humble and repentant ye shall be accepted. But if ye do not knock, and burst in and raise the devil … then ye shall be cast out.
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Insecurity is reaching over the edge of your bed in the dark and feeling the grip of a slimy hand.
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The left hand is the only part of your body that doesn’t know what your right hand is doing.
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Cross-eyed is when there is a 36-23-36 babe to your left and a 93-50-93 to your right.
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He who hath a short fuse makes the loudest noise for the longest length of time.
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HELL is when you have a DESCREPTOPINSECTORHTORIMETER and don’t know what to do with it.
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The following was the only statement on an entire page:
“Woe, Fire, brimstone and funny feelings to him that reads what is written on the backside of this page.”
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(The reader turns the page): Wo, fire, brimstone and funny feelings unto you for reading this.
(Everyone in the dorm looked on the backside of the page)
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The rich man will find it hard to enter heaven; therefore dump your excess greenbacks here.
I will take the burden of going to heaven rich.
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He that marries young shall die, young. He that marries old shall die old.
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Posted Saturday morning: Tonight is the night when all good men don’t do what they want to do.
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REPENT! If ye remember what ye did last night, but REPENT, REPENT, REPENT, if ye have no memory.
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Let your light so shine that it may hit the print of your books, that ye may not read in darkness.
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Wo unto him that starteth contention for he shall receive the laying on of hands.
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Hell is when a truck load of live ducks collides with a bus full of rock musicians.
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Procrastinate not the day of salvation.
The end draweth nigh for finals, study now or suffer wrath.
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Yea… He that sins and brags
Shall marry an old hag,
That chews the rag,
And nags.
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Let she that hath no navel lay her own egg.
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Wo unto him that admires beautiful females for he shall be liken unto me.
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Verily, there are three heavens and one hell which one may enter in this house:
- The telestial Kingdom: The rooms on the north side.
- The terestial Kingdom: The rooms on the east side of this door.
- The celestial Kingdom: It lyeth behind that door upon which thou casteth thy eye.
- The Sons of Perdition: The shower room.
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Seek to gain knowledge qf Orisextractopody (A real word). It’s worthwhile.
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Wo wo wo (and more wo) unto him who makes any mark whatsoever in this box for fire and lightening shall consume him on April 14, 1996; 2:32 P.M.
(There was a box drawn on the sheet of paper I put on the door and it was extremely marked up by the end of the day.)
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Wo wo and gnashing of teeth unto him that touches this spot (Placed on the page):
Not only will he suffer hellfire and brimstone…
But he shall feel flakey.
(Everyone said they touched the spot)
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Beware of dog: He lurketh on these grounds and seeketh after and biteth him who disturbeth.
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BEWARE!!!
(Picture of a giant eye)
ALL YOUR EVIL DEEDS ARE SEEN.
(You had to have been there to appreciate this one. When a student walked by my door and saw the big eye with these words he was usually amused)
Copyright by J J Dewey
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