2009-7-30 01:35:00
JJ:
I've never started a gathering with a joke but I feel impressed to start with one today. Has anyone ever heard the joke about the three degrees of hell? Nobody? That's great. That means you're in for a good joke. This mobster named Lenny is kind of a bad dude and he dies. He meets the devil and says, "Well, I knew I'd end up in hell. What do you have waiting for me?"
The devil replies, "We've modernized down here so instead of just having fire and brimstone we're giving people choices now. We have three degrees of hell. The good part is you get to pick one to go to. We're going to open the doors to the three degrees and let you look. Once you choose one you go into the door and there is no retreat."
So the devil opens the first door and everyone in there is standing on their heads on razor blades.
Lenny says, "This is pretty horrible. I don't think I can handle this. Show me the next degree."
So the devil takes him to the next degree and there is everyone standing on their heads on sharp swords." Lenny says, "Oh man, this is even worse. Show me the third degree."
So he shows him the third degree and there is everyone standing waist deep in fresh manure drinking coffee. Lenny thinks, "This isn't that great but it isn't as bad as the first two." So he chooses this degree. A couple of the devil's imps throw the guy into the fresh manure.
A couple minutes later the devil claps his hands and yells, "Alright everyone. The coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"
(Laughter from audience.)
JJ:
Do you want another joke or do you want me to talk philosophy?
Audience:
"Does this correspond to a situation we're going to encounter?"
JJ:
It doesn't really correspond to anything. Something told me to start out with a joke. I think I'll tell one more joke. I don't know why I feel impressed to do this but it doesn't hurt to start out with a little humor. I'm going to tell a story about Wayne back in high school.
[Compiler's Note: This is the same Wayne which appears in JJ's Immortal series. In real life Wayne was JJ's lifelong friend who was in attendance at this Gathering, and who has since passed.]
He was telling me how he wanted to become an actor. I didn't know if that was his gift or not, but one day he says, "Well, I was reading in the paper. They're having a play and doing auditions so I'm going to go audition for it."
I said, "Good luck!"
He went to audition and a lot of people showed up. There were a couple hundred people in line. He waited and waited and waited and they finally got to him. The director was pulling his hair out. He said, "I don't know why this part is so difficult when it is so short and sweet. Nobody can get the emphasis I'm looking for."
Wayne says, "I think I can do it. What do you want me to do?" The director says, "It's just one line. It is, AND I HEARD THE CANNONS ROAR! Now let's hear you say that, and put some feeling behind it."
So Wayne gets himself ready and yells, "AND I HEARD THE CANNONS ROAR!"
The director's eye's lit up and he said, "I think we found our guy. You really put some feeling in that. Are you sure you can remember that line? Do you want to practice it?"
Wayne said, "No it's a really simple line." The director said, "Go ahead and say it again. I want to make sure that when the play is going on and there are thousands of people there that you get the line right. It's not much to memorize but I want to make sure you can get it right. Do it one more time."
Wayne says, "AND I HEARD THE CANNONS ROAR!" The director says, "Wow, that's even better! You're the man!"
So, Wayne was really feeling good about himself. He came to see me and said, "Guess what. I got the part! It's just one line and it goes like this. AND I HEARD THE CANNONS ROAR!"
I said, "That sounds good Wayne. I'll have to go watch you perform." I asked, "When is it?"
He said, "Next Saturday night."
So Wayne went home and his mom asked if he got the part he told her about. He told her yes. She asked, "How does it go?"
He said, "AND I HEARD THE CANNONS ROAR!"
His mom said, "Wow, that's good Wayne. I'm going to bring all my friends from the bridge club to watch you perform.
Wayne went to school the next day and a classmate said he heard he was trying out for some part and asked, "What is your part?"
Wayne said, "AND I HEARD THE CANNONS ROAR!"
Then on the bus home he was sitting next to this kid and the kid asked, "Wayne did you get that part you were telling me about?"
Wayne says, "Yea, AND I HEARD THE CANNONS ROAR!" He spoke so loud the bus driver almost ran off the road.
Finally Saturday night arrives and his mom is making sure he is ready and she asks, "Are you sure you have that part down? I want you to make me proud."
Wayne says, "Yea, AND I HEARD THE CANNONS ROAR!" She says, "Great! I can't wait to watch you!"
So he goes to the theater and the director grabs him and says, "You're on in just a minute. Are you sure you know the part?"
Wayne says, "Yea, AND I HEARD THE CANNONS ROAR!"
He says, "Great. You're on! Get out there!" So Wayne gets out there on the stage and there are cannons booming all around him. Cannons to the left of him and cannons to the right of him. Booming everywhere.
Wayne looks around bewildered and says, "What in the hell was that?"
(Laughter from audience.)
JJ:
Tonight we're going to talk about experience and that is a good lead in for experience because it takes you through the experience of some humor. Have you often wondered if God has a sense of humor? Some people say that when God made man and man thought he was going to be one of the gods because God says: "The man is going to be one of us," that some Christians interpret that as God joking. He thinks he is going to be one of us, does he? There are all sorts of ways to read scripture.
This is a true story. The last one was a joke but this is a true story.
Wayne and I used to go to Seminary class together and talk about serious! This teacher of ours was so serious that you couldn't crack a smile or you were being irreverent to God. Wayne wasn't serious at all. As a kid he was even worse than he is now. Wayne would often come in late. When he came in late, he didn't just come in silently and pull up a chair. He would go to the furthest chair in the room. He would stumble over things on the way and knock over a chair or trip over someone's foot. He always created a disturbance. The teacher was giving a class on something really serious and spiritual from the Bible and Wayne comes in late and stumbles across everything. Looking at the teacher's face you could tell he was just seething inside and he wanted to get mad but he felt it was wrong so he kept containing his temper. He became more and more irritated with Wayne every day as the class went through the season.
After class, there weren't enough cars to take us all to seminary so we'd all hop rides. About two thirds of us could get a ride to school. If you couldn't squeeze into someone's car, you had to walk a mile or so. So the faster we could get out of class the less the chance that we would have to walk.
So Wayne, as we were having the closing prayer, would sneak out during the prayer. He always wound up getting a ride that way. As we were praying I'd open my eyes and see Wayne sneaking out then look at the teacher. You could see steam almost rising off the top of his head. He'd turn beet red like he wanted to strangle that son of a gun. So, Wayne irritated the teacher at the beginning of the class then he irritated him at the end of the class and sometimes irritated him in the middle of the class with questions. One day I came to seminary late myself and Wayne was outside the class with this new yo-yo. He was standing over the stairwell playing with it. It had a very long string on it. I said, "Aren't you going to seminary this morning?"
Wayne said, "No, I'm experimenting with this yoyo."
This other kid named Jerry, from a lower class, came up to me and says, "Maybe I'll go in your class today." Then he changed his mind as I entered the door. He stayed outside hidden from sight.
The teacher was talking about the Holy Ghost and every time he mentioned the Holy Ghost Jerry, who was out in the hall and sounded a little like Wayne, would go, "woooooooo" every time the teacher mentioned the Holy Ghost.
You should've seen Paul, the teacher. He started turning red and you could tell he was ready to pop a cork. He tried to control himself and continue and he mentioned the Holy Ghost again and each time he did Jerry made his best ghost impression by saying, "wooooooo."
The teacher turns red again but gets hold of himself and mentioned the Holy Ghost one more time and then comes the ghostly sound again, "wooooooo."
The teacher says, "I'll be right back!" He ran out there and I thought Jerry would be in trouble but ole Jerry hid behind the door. So there is Wayne with his yo-yo and of course the teacher figured it had to be Wayne mocking the Holy Ghost.
(Laughter from audience.)
So the teacher grabs Wayne and throws him against the wall. Wayne isn't the type of person to let anyone throw him against a wall so he grabs the teacher and throws him against the wall. They threw each other against the wall a couple times and Wayne says, "What's going on?"
(Laughter from audience.)
Finally it got sorted out. It was the one time the teacher had a chance to get Wayne and it was the one time that Wayne was innocent. Any other time he would have gone after Wayne, Wayne would've been 100% guilty.
Wayne, speaking from the audience states:
"He didn't believe me and I got kicked out of seminary."
JJ:
He didn't believe you? You got kicked out of seminary over that? You were completely innocent! I could've been a witness. You got kicked out for the whole year? I could've verified that for you but you probably wanted to get kicked out though, knowing you. Your mom made you go, didn't she?
Audience:
"Explain to us what seminary is, JJ."
JJ:
Wayne and I grew up in the Mormon Church. In the Mormon Church before school starts they have a seminary program for the Mormon kids. One year you learn about the New Testament, another year, the Old Testament, the Book of Mormon and the church history. There are four years. It starts early in the morning and none of us liked to go because we had to get up early and go before school started. Wayne's mom always picked me up and took me and I was almost always late and it irritated her. We weren't real excited about going but most of the kids' parents made them go. Wayne was probably happy to be kicked out if I know him.
Quote Of The Day
Obama: "When you rush these budgets that are a foot high, and nobody has any idea what's in them and nobody has read them...."
Randi: "14 pounds it was."
Obama: "And it gets rushed through without any clear deliberations or debate. Then, these kinds of things happen, and I think this is, in some ways, what happened to the Patriot Act. I mean, you remember there was no real debate about that. It was so quick after 9/11 that it was introduced that people felt very intimidated by the administration."
Obama Interview, November 2004, Interview with Randi Rhodes on Air America
-- End Of Part One --
Go to:
2005 Sun Valley Gathering, Part Two (Transcription)
Listen to:
Podcasts of Parts 1 - 8 from the 2005 Sun Valley Gathering
Copyright © 2009 by J.J. Dewey, All Rights Reserved