The Lighter Side

1998-12-12 20:46:00

On the lighter side, I thought I would post a few things I wrote in the past when I thought I was being funny. Here's one for those of you who like Greeting or Christmas Cards:

Greeting Cards We'd Like To See

Front Of Card: "Sorry to hear that you are breaking up..."

Inside Message: "Well, maybe I'm not so sorry. Lisa is one heck of a good-looking woman. Now you're out of the way I'll be paying her a visit. Hope you don't mind."

Front Of Card: "Congratulations on that promotion..."

Inside Message: "Too bad your boss had to die for you to get it."

Front Of Card: "Superglue accidents are tough..."

Inside Message: "Give me a call as soon as they get your lips apart."

Front Of Card: "Give my best to the milkman..."

Inside Message: "Your wife tells me he is one charming guy."

Front Of Card: "To my wife's boss from one of us..."

Inside Message: "Keep your hands off my wife and your mind on your work or you'll be facing an early retirement -- real early."

Front Of Card: "To my brother..."

Inside Message: "I understand you are an only child."

Front Of Card: "To my computer with love..."

Inside Message: "You are the only machine I have ever loved."

Front Of Card: "To my wife's half-sister's uncle..."

Inside Message: "It was so nice of you to drop by with your six dogs, twelve cats, three trained bears and five mountainmen friends from Kentucky. We collected on our hurricane insurance and moved. Forwarding address to remain unknown to you and your ilk."

Front Of Card: "To our teenage daughter's lazy boyfriend..."

Inside Message: "Enclosed in the refrigerator you will find a bill for $100 for the comestibles consumed on your last visit. Notice that there is no food anywhere in the house. We are eating out until you disappear."

Front Of Card: "To my doctor's sexy nurse..."

Inside Message: "I think my pulse is too fast. How about a house call?"

Front Of Card: "To the peace officer who just stopped me..."

Inside Message: "Please don't give me a ticket. I promise not to go 85 mph in a hospital zone again."

Front Of Card: "To my irritating neighbor...."

Inside Message: "Stop that #$%! dog of your from barking at night or you'll learn that my bite is worse than his bark."

Front Of Card: "To the wimpiest guy I know..."

Inside Message: "I checked your bedroom window before I knocked last night and I must say that dress looked nice on you."

Front Of Card: "To the biggest ego I know..."

Inside Message: "How does it feel to be God?"

Front Of Card: "Congratulations on the purchase of your new computer...."

Inside Message: "Now you can reach levels of frustration you never thought possible. In six weeks you will understand why you heard horrific screams coming from my house."