What Is Your Story? – Part 2
By Artie Dewey
Now, to get to THE WORK:
The first step before self-inquiry is to vent your feelings on paper. Katie developed a “JUDGE YOUR NEIGHBOR” worksheet [available for download on www.thework.com] which has 6 questions that encourages you to “bitch” in delicious detail about some body or some happening. This is a strictly confidential sheet that allows the ego to go crazy without mental or moral censorship. This is the opportunity the ego has been waiting for and it will gladly tell you everything, like a child. It’s best to be judgmental, harsh, childish and petty. Don’t try to be wise, spiritual or kind. Those experienced in doing this process say they get pettier and pettier and more and more uncensored because it gets harder and harder to find something to be upset about over time.
When you commit to writing down your feelings, you find out a lot about your thinking, values, and experience. You take a look at what’s been swirling around inside you for years, without asking yourself what’s the cause and what’s the solution. Sometimes we just get lost in the mind’s chaos and we don’t know what to do to feel better. In writing them down, you see your feelings in physical form and through inquiry, you begin to understand them, deal with them and heal them . This is all a therapist does, right? Why pay a therapist when you can do this for free?
The next step of inquiry is to respond to 4 main questions about the feelings your wrote down:
1] The first question that is the entry gate to opening the mind is IS IT TRUE? Katie says that if you do nothing else, this is the most important question you can ask yourself. What is the REALITY of it? Remember, in reality, shoulds and shouldn’t s don’t exist. They are just observations and wishes.
Let’s say you wrote down on your worksheet “My children ALWAYS disrespect me and I’m OUTRAGED by this. They SHOULD clean up after THEMSELVES so I don’t HAVE to do it. “
These 2 sentences are rich with examples of the principles we discussed earlier… • “My children always disrespect me” invites the question IS IT TRUE? Is cleaning up after yourself the proof of respect or lack of it for a person you live with? [If so, a lot of husbands ALSO disrespect their wives.] • Do they ALWAYS do this? [Absolutes are a tip off that you’re stretching the truth, even if it’s partially true. No one does anything all the time except breathe. • The 2nd statement has a should, which argues with reality – they shouldn’t clean up because they don’t – that’s the reality of it. • It also implies that you’re out of your business because cleaning up after THEM isn’t your job, it’s theirs. • Finally it has “so I don’t HAVE to do it.” also argues with reality because you don’t have to do anything. If you want to do it anyway, acknowledge that and do it without stressing yourself out.
2] The 2nd question, as a back up is CAN YOU ABSOLUTELY KNOW IT’S TRUE? This question is for those who answer yes on the 1st question IS IT TRUE? We can’t absolutely know anything, especially about what another person is feeling. Going back to the example, I know a lot of people, especially husbands who don’t consider it disrespectful to leave their crap lying around – this thought doesn’t even occur to them. Thinking we know another person’s mind is folly and it keeps us from doing the work to know our own mind.
When our remarks contain extreme reactions like “I’m devastated”, “I’m terrified” “I’m outraged” – these often aren’t really true. A common technique therapists use is to get to the foundational truth of what you’re feeling – it usually boils down to fear of loss of love or positive regard of others even when we’re very angry, but manifests as something else to cover our vulnerabilities. Look at not only the truth of the situation, but your own TRUE feelings about it.
If you’re not sure if something is true or not about what you’ve written, there are 5 additional statements that may help to bring your true feelings out:
a] Add “and it means that__________” to a statement you’ve made to bring out more feelings. For example, you might add after the disrespect statement above “ and it means that I feel alone and unloved by my children”. Anger wasn’t the real feeling in this example – it’s hurt and vulnerability.
b] Ask what you think would happen if things were the way you want them. You might say “I would feel loved and appreciated if they picked up.”
c] Imagine what’s the worst that could happen when you write down something you don’t want to happen, and then ask if it’s true. This is a common technique for reducing stress over events we can’t control. For example, you might say “I’m dead and my children never clean up after themselves. The house is condemned and they become homeless and die of starvation.” Ask Is this what could REALLY happen? Extreme worst case scenarios help us put things in perspective. Living with the fear of negative outcomes is often more painful than the actual event, which I call the “wait till your father comes home” threat.
d] Look for shoulds and shouldn’ts you can use if you haven’t already used them to add to statements of fact that are true, but don’t lead to realizing deeper feelings. Saying “my children leave crap around the house” doesn’t evoke the feelings that “my children should clean up after themselves” – the latter statement reveals expectations, beliefs, disappointments, etc.
e] Another way to find the truth: Where’s your proof? Bring all your evidence and ask if it’s true.
For example, the statement “my children don’t respect me” used the proof statement “They don’t pick up after themselves”. I posed the question “is not picking up after yourself proof of disrespect?” 2nd, where’s the proof that you HAVE to pick up after your children? Does your family force you at gun point to do it?
3] Going back to the 4 inquiry questions: the 3rd question after is it true and can you absolutely know it’s true is HOW DO YOU REACT WHEN YOU BELIEVE THAT THOUGHT? Picture yourself in the situation and see the people or events that are causing you stress. See your reactions – what do you say, how do you say it, what’s your body language look like, what feelings are going on inside you? With this question we notice INTERNAL cause and effect as opposed to external cause. When you believe negative thoughts, there’s an uneasy feeling or stress. If you realized from the 1st question that the thought really isn’t true for you, then you’re looking at the power of a lie and what the power of your thoughts can do to you and those around you.
A follow-on question Katie asks to this one is “can you see a reason to drop that thought – and I’m not asking you to drop it because you can’t and don’t even try.” Once you see the truth of it, the thought will let YOU go, not the other way around. A reverse variation on the question is “Can you find one stress-free reason to keep the thought?”
4] The 4th question : WHO WOULD YOU BE WITHOUT THE THOUGHT? With this question imagine yourself NOT reacting, as you did in the 3rd question – just observing. Then imagine who you would be if you couldn’t think this thought. How would your life be different? How do you feel without the story? How do people respond to you? Which feels kinder and more peaceful – with or without your story? In our example, if you didn’t think you’re disrespected just because your kids don’t pick up after themselves, how would you feel? You would feel more calm and have the presence of mind to come up with options. A couple of things I can think of: a] If your kids are young, tell them calmly and pleasantly to pick up their stuff before they do anything fun, and make a game out of it – call them vacuum monsters and set a timer to see how fast they can “suck” up their toys b] if they’re older, make a notation on a chart that they owe you a set amount of money for the task you did on their behalf. By removing a negative emotional response which shuts down creativity and engagement in a solution, you can get what you aim for without shooting yourself first in the foot.
For many people, life without their story is literally unimaginable because they’re so attached to them – they have no reference for it. When asked “who would you be without the thought?”, “I don’t know” is a common answer to this question in Katie’s experience. This imagination exercise helps us to come up with more positive and effective alternative realities that helps to unstick us from long-held recycled beliefs and give clarity to understand the situation and act efficiently. We step back from the situation and become the observer of our scripts, and then decide if and how we want to rewrite them. [Chopra says that the highest form of intelligence is the ability to observe yourself without negative judgment and attachment. As you watch yourself, you gain insights.]
Aug 9, 2012
Join JJ’s Facebook group HERE
JJ’s Amazon page HERE